What I Want to Be When I Grow Up

Redefining oneself can be arduous work. First of all, you need to know who you were. When that face/mask is so amorphous that you're only seeing through a smoked mirror, well, where do you go from there?

First I was a big sister, with all the flotsam and jetsam of the sibling sea. All too soon, that was an unnecessary title with unnecessary duties as my little brothers grew to be little people. Next I was a student, but that was less than taxing. If I showed up, I was in the top 5% of the class and didn't even break a sweat (except from the bicycle rides to school, being perpetually late, and the allergies I was painfully aware of during field sports).

Then I was a gaijin, teaching in Japan for five years. When I returned to San Jose for working on my Masters, I fell back into teaching as an easy out from "working." My standard phrase of response to "How do you like your job?" was, "Don't tell anyone, but I would do this for free, if I didn't like eating so much."

Oh, I'm forgetting the drama/comedy mask of actress that started when I was "Sarah Bernhardt" before my brothers were born until my last stage appearance in Japan in pantomime skits with my teacher. The acting phase spanned about 35 years in all.

I morphed from teacher into program director in such an easy way that I didn't recognize that change had occurred until after the fact. Then I was forced into another category, that of the unemployed, where I joined many of my former colleagues in the non-profit field serving refugees and immigrants. So I decided to become a catalyst for change and studied neuro-linguistic programming as my vehicle for doing that. That never got off the ground. Now I am studying counseling for alcoholics and drug addicts (seems like just another form of social work to me, with all the rules and case management details keep track of for answering to the government), but something has not yet jelled.

Let's go back a few steps. Dream #1, when I graduated from high school, was to return to that high school and teach English and drama. About 25 years later, without even remembering the dream until I was in the second year of being there, I achieved it via a slight variation of teaching Japanese and directing the semester productions. Okay, next! Dream #2, I would reconnect with my estranged son. This took about three years to begin and a total of eight years to achieve, but we are now the friends I promised him as an infant that we would be. Dream #3, I would perform on the radio as announcer and do "voice-over" work. This one took less time to achieve, about 18 months. Dream #4, I would have my own business. Now we come to my current dilemma. A little over a year ago I determined that this would happen, and took the steps to get it going. That's not the problem. I have an entity name, pay taxes and have existed as Upstart Services since April 2005. That's not the problem. The problem is (ta-DAH!!) what does my business do?

I started writing resumes, but people who need resumes have no work, hence no money. Can't get rich that way. Then I tried selling mobile homes. Selling is not my millieu. Then I started a "behavior change" business, but who am I to tell people what they should or should not do? Nope, not for me. Now, using the NLP with ADAC training I may, in the far distant future, open a practice helping people suffering from their own choices to know that they can have better control than that. But that's the future, not today.

I have written since I could hold a crayon. Words have always been more interesting than any picture of a tree or a horse. Today I am a writer of poetry for myself. Many people have said, "Publish!" but I'm just not ready to let people read my bare, naked words to themselves. I want to record and share the sound. But I can help others find their own voice, through listening to their desire to communicate and guiding them to the words that will bring clarity to their own message. Now that I am a compassionate listener, I can wed this to my production skills and build a business of helping -- as I want to do -- by guiding the busy writer toward his or her own voice.

Yes!! That's it. I'm an editor. This feels so right.

Pro-Crass-Ti-Nation

I really want to do things, and in a timely way. I want to keep things going, too. But it's just so hard to keep up the momentum, sometimes, you know? It's just easier to erase the URL for the blog, so that you actually have to search for it. Then take months to do just that!

And then, by the title, I make a joke of it all. Isn't that just like me? It's hard to take things seriously, however, when I live in this nation where the most important thing being discussed -- right in the middle of Iran and Korea thinking about getting together to blow up the world -- in our wonderful Senate and House, at the personal request of our brilliant and charming President (points lower in the polls, too bad), is who cannot get married.

Okay, back to putting things off. Tea, a drink with jam and bread. I went to a tea tasting the other Sunday. It was a very good thing to do on a rainy day with a friend. It is amazing how fanatical people can get about little leaves, but there were a few differences that even my jaded palate (I was going to spell it "palette" or "pallet". Isn't that hilarious?) could tell some difference between some of the teas. The mother-daughter team had six different liquid flavors to taste and three different dried leaf combos in saucers to smell. Yummy.

Still putting things off, I'm finding it surprising how money is the measure of all things. Now that gasoline is so expensive that I had to get a second job (outside of just living, which is great hours but the pay is pretty lousy) to support tuition and transportation to classes in counseling in Santa Cruz, I'm finding more and more price tags on things that I thought were "gratis" or at least offered graciously. Oh well, if that's the way of the world, I think I would like to buy a ticket out of here, but it's too expensive.

As for the "pro" part of the title, I just feel that I have become quite polished and professional in my ability to put things off, so I consider myself a professional procrastinator. Ah, if only I could get paid what I'm worth for that!